The Root Cause of Perfectionism in Highly Driven Empaths

In this series, I’m answering the top questions that highly driven empath women ask about the nervous system. One of the top questions is about the root cause of perfectionism and overwhelm.

Do you feel the need to control everything? Are you constantly setting unrealistically high expectations for yourself? Do you always feel overwhelmed due to all or nothing thinking? Why do these perfectionist tendencies show up in your life?

Perfectionism has a massive impact on the way you feel about yourself and the world around you. It can deeply impact your mental health, fostering low self-esteem, self-doubt, unattainable goals, a massive fear of failure, and of course, emotional pain and discomfort.

By learning to regulate your nervous system and addressing your perfectionistic tendencies, you’ll improve how you relate to yourself and improve your performance in all areas of life.

I’m going to speak to that unhealthy perfectionism that always shows up in your life. And I’m going to show you how women with a regulated nervous system have succeeded in easing it.

Before I dive in, I want to let you know that we are currently offering a FREE detailed Nervous System Profile

Understanding Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a complex and multifaceted personality trait characterized by a relentless pursuit of flawlessness and an often harsh self-criticism. Perfectionists tend to set unrealistically high standards for themselves and others, driven by a deep-seated fear of failure and a need for control. This desire to avoid criticism or rejection can lead to a cycle of negative self-talk and self-criticism when these unattainable standards are not met. Understanding the intricacies of perfectionism is crucial for developing effective strategies to manage and overcome it.

This is perfect for you if you are experiencing perfectionistic tendencies…

• A sense of overwhelm, increased alertness, and underlying anxiety.

• Feeling irritable, overly reactive, easily frustrated.

• Signs of chronic stress or embodied trauma (e.g., sleep problems, hypersensitivity to sounds and smells, pain in the neck and shoulders, back pain, tension).

These symptoms can also be indicative of underlying mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.

Our Client’s Story of Overcoming Perfectionism

We have a client that is a doctor with two children. She’s a single mom with a lot on her shoulders. One of her children has special needs, and she juggles a very demanding professional life. As a doctor, she needs to be present and precise with her patients. She was also working to build a new relationship while also dealing with her children’s father, who was a colleague at work.

Before this client started her healing journey with us, she put an enormous amount of pressure on herself. She felt that everything needed to be perfect. She needed to follow a certain standard she had set for her job, her relationships, and her own performance. Her perfectionistic behavior was driven by a need to meet her own high standards.

So, how did she overcome perfectionism? We worked to get to the core of her desire to do things perfectly – of being a slave to her perfectionism. In some cases, perfectionism can be linked to obsessive compulsive disorder, which can exacerbate these tendencies. We were finally able to discover what was holding her back. We found the core wound that was driving her perfectionism, allowing her to transform how she related to herself and others completely.

The Role of Low Self-Esteem in Perfectionism

Low self-esteem is a common underlying factor in perfectionism. Individuals with lower self-esteem may strive for perfection as a way to compensate for feelings of inadequacy or to gain approval and validation from others. This relentless pursuit of perfection can further erode self-esteem, as individuals often feel they are never good enough or constantly falling short of their own expectations. Practicing self-compassion and developing a more realistic and accepting attitude towards oneself can help break this cycle. By acknowledging and addressing low self-esteem, individuals can begin to overcome perfectionistic tendencies and foster a healthier self-image.

The Impact of Fear and Anxiety on Perfectionism

Fear and anxiety are significant drivers of perfectionism. The fear of failure, rejection, or criticism can lead individuals to strive for perfection as a way to avoid these negative outcomes. Anxiety can also contribute to perfectionistic behaviors, such as excessive planning and preparation, as individuals may feel the need to control every aspect of their environment to mitigate their fears. Understanding the role of fear and anxiety in perfectionism is essential for developing effective strategies to manage and overcome it. By addressing these underlying emotions, individuals can begin to reduce their perfectionistic behaviors and find a more balanced approach to life.

The Connection to Trauma and Adversity

Trauma and adversity can play a significant role in the development of perfectionism. Individuals who have experienced trauma or adversity may develop perfectionistic tendencies as a way to cope with their emotions and regain a sense of control. Perfectionism can also serve as a defense mechanism to avoid feelings of vulnerability or to prevent future trauma or adversity. Recognizing the connection between trauma and perfectionism is essential for developing effective strategies to manage and overcome it. By addressing the root causes of their perfectionistic tendencies, individuals can begin to heal and move towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.

3 Secrets Highly Driven Empath Women Know About the Cause of Perfectionism

Here’s the secret that highly driven empath women with a regulated nervous system know about easing perfectionism:

Perfectionism is not simply about being perfect or avoiding failure. From a neurobiological perspective, at the core of perfectionism lay a deep sense of shame, not fitting in, and not being enough. Your nervous system feels threatened, fearful of being cast out of the group or rejected by society.

To your nervous system, this fear is the worst possible outcome. We have evolved over millions of years to do one thing very well: connect and bond with other human beings to survive.

As a species, we no longer have to deal with the constant threat of predators. However, many of us had early childhood experiences with parents who had unrealistic expectations of us and felt they were under constant pressure themselves to be perfect.

Perfectionism is often linked to various mental health conditions, such as anxiety and depression, which can further complicate its management.

Many perfectionists are highly driven women in a mostly male-dominated world, and we are wired to avoid shame. We feel that we must do it all, be perfect, and never let others see us struggle. And never, under any circumstances, are we allowed to make mistakes! As well-intentioned as these unhelpful thoughts may be, we must learn how to quell our own expectations and especially our overly critical self-evaluations.

At the core of perfectionism is a need to control our outside reality, especially when there is chaos inside ourselves. The more we get lost in our internal turmoil and chaos, the more we cling to perfectionism and overachievement. I see this all the time in high performing, high achieving, exceptionally driven women.

Letting go of perfectionist tendencies and behaviors is a learning process, however, it is important to take even the smallest steps in the right direction.

The Importance of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a vital component in overcoming perfectionism. Practicing self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, rather than self-criticism and judgment. By developing self-compassion, individuals can cultivate a more realistic and accepting attitude towards themselves, recognizing that imperfection is a natural and inevitable part of the human experience. This shift in perspective can help break the cycle of perfectionism and lead to a more fulfilling and meaningful life. Embracing self-compassion allows individuals to let go of unrealistic expectations and develop a healthier relationship with themselves.

So, here’s what I want you to do the next time you catch yourself setting unrealistic standards for yourself: practice self compassion

Pause for a moment to remind yourself what is at the core of this perfectionism: the shame and the fear of not being enough. This often stems from all or nothing thinking, where anything less than perfect is seen as a failure.

Remember the little girl you were years ago and take time to feel how much she wanted to be loved; To be liked, accepted, and feel that she belonged. I want you to sit with that little girl and tell her, “I am here for you. I love you. Keep going. You don’t need to do everything perfectly to deserve my love. You’re amazing just the way you are.”

Stay with those feelings and experience how it feels in your body. Perhaps you feel a sense of warmth, or some tension has been released. Take time to feel this sense of ease in your body.

Follow these three steps when you are feeling the pressure and overwhelm of perfectionism. This simple act of self-care can quickly take the focus off of your negative thoughts and bring you back to a space of self-compassion. I’d love to hear back from you about how it works for you!

Where to find help in overcoming perfectionism

Want to find clarity on the cause of your perfectionism and see fast and powerful changes towards feeling calm and more regulated?

If you are struggling as a sensitive and perfectionist overachiever, you can find peace by working at the nervous system level by leveraging its neuroplasticity. Perfectionism, like any habit, is a set of associated neurological pathways that have become ingrained through repetition from an early age. Addressing maladaptive perfectionism often requires professional intervention to break the cycle of negative behaviors.

We teach people how to regulate their nervous systems, including addressing attachment wounds that lead to perfectionism, in our highly affordable, world class program The Nervous System Solution.

To learn more about the root cause of perfectionism, how it fuels anxiety, and what to do about it, read How Perfectionism Relates to Anxiety – And How to Manage It.

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